


Crime and a Distinct Lack of Punishment

by smolonde



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Crimes & Criminals, F/F, Multi, very lalondian title, vriskanroserezi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2017-05-02
Packaged: 2018-10-27 02:59:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10800276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smolonde/pseuds/smolonde
Summary: Kanaya Maryam's domestic life with her criminal girlfriends.





	Crime and a Distinct Lack of Punishment

“If I had a dollar for every time someone thought I was a criminal, I would be rich.” Your girlfriend stomps into the living room, slamming the door, and you wince at the cracks of the wall widening by millimeters.

“That is because you are a criminal, Vriska.” You sigh, leaning your face away from your book so she can grudgingly kiss your forehead.

“I was at the Minimart and some guy kept following me around the damn store! Did he think I’d steal their damn beef jerky? I’m an art thief, not some petty criminal, and the world needs to stop treating me like one!” She flops down next to you on the couch, smacking her waves of unbrushed black hair onto your lap.

“Correct me if my assumptions are wrong, but I believe the whole point of being a mystery criminal is remaining mysterious. I am surprised you have not yet blown your cover with your antics.”

Your girlfriend is truly the luckiest art thief you’ve met. Really, leaving a note in place of Sargent’s painting taunting the police was not a smart move: they could have analyzed her writing or fingerprinted it or done _something_ to catch her. She tells you not to fuss; after all, Vriska Serket is the self-proclaimed queen of theft, but you worry about her getting caught more than you admit. She tends to be flamboyant with her “work”: before the Sargent episode, she had stolen a Modigliani and spray-painted a giant middle finger on the wall where the painting hung. Your girlfriend has stones, there’s no doubt about that, but you know it’ll get her into trouble one way or the other.

You hear two knocks at the door, elegant but firm, and you smile as the door opens gently and your wife walks into the living room.

 Rose is dressed in a grey business suit with a white blouse. She has a wide grin on her face, and in her hand, she holds a check.

“Rose, please tell me you did not do it again.”

She winks at you and smiles even wider somehow. “Dualscar somehow managed to step in the shit yet again. The man simply won’t learn, even if I’ve told him that I have records of our shareholders’ investments being funneled to his offshore bank account in St. Kitts. So of course, I managed to procure a picture of him balls deep in the office secretary. It’s a nice piece to add to my collection.”

She pulls her phone out of her pocket and checks her list. “Currently I have this new picture, photos of his transactions, records of an embezzlement suit filed against him by the previous head of the company, and a wonderful little shot of the tube of cocaine I found lying on his desk. These have been uploaded to several different drives.”

She sits down next to you with a self-satisfied smirk. “Since I hold the transaction records, no one will know that he has been paying an extra twenty thousand dollars a month to a “Ms. Rosa Leland” for “office management services”. I don’t think he would appreciate the jail time that comes with fraud, public indecency, possession and use of an illegal substance, and employee mismanagement.”

Vriska sighs loudly. “Lalonde, can it. You give us this speech at least once a week. Just keep bringing in the cash.”

Rose nods pensively, then leans down to kiss the girl in your lap passionately. “I’m beginning to think you only love me for my money.”

Vriska turns as red as her dark skin will allow. “You forget I rake in the bucks myself. Art theft isn’t exactly a thankless job.”

You’ve been watching this interaction passively, your mouth quirking in a smile as they glare at each other, a familiar look that always leads to a bedroom-destroying brawl and forces you to change the sheets again. Their staredown is quickly interrupted by another knock on the door.

The door swings open and hits the wall as your other girlfriend loudly announces “What’s up, hoes?” in the direction of the dining room. You stifle a laugh and Vriska gives a whistle, turning Terezi’s attention to the living room. She walks over, her cane out in front of her for guidance.

“Guess what I have?” She opens her backpack and seven Nintendo Switches fall out onto the loveseat. She licks the nearest one in victory, makes a face at the disgusting taste, and sits on the floor. “I told my supervisor that they have misprinted letters, dumped them in the disposal bin, and took the trash on my way out. So now, I can sell these on EBay for twice what they’re worth!” She smirks, obviously very proud of herself.

Vriska gives her a sideways smirk. “You’re such a lame thief. I’m stealing multi-million-dollar paintings and Lalonde has been extorting her boss for a year, and you’re over here stealing Nintendo Switches. Lame!”

Terezi takes off her shoe and tosses it in Vriska’s direction, sending it sailing a foot over your head and taking a plastic vase off the mantel. “Shut up, asshole.”

You hear another knock on the door and everybody freezes. Vriska seems unperturbed and drawls, “Do we have another girlfriend I don’t know about?”

You get up and open the door just a crack, and your shoulders drop when you realize it’s just Jane. She looks left and right before entering the room and calling out to everyone, “I brought cookies!”

Terezi and Vriska jump up to mob Jane, while Rose lazily removes her suit jacket and stretches out on the couch. “What’s the latest news, Jane?”

Jane looks at you, worry and sadness etched on her face. “Well, the Nintendo company doesn’t seem to notice anything different, and Dualscar hasn’t filed another report. But the station has done another analysis of the prints on the note at the Sargent scene and… They’ve matched the prints to your hand.”

Your head spins and you stagger to the nearest chair, feeling as if all the air has been punched out of your stomach. Rose is sitting up straight, her eyebrows high in surprise, and Terezi loses her grip on her cane and lets it clatter to the ground. Vriska is looking straight at you, noticing the tears welling in your eyes, and clutches at her throat like she wishes she was choking. You knew this day was coming, knew that one day one of them would get caught, ripped away from you like-

“Hoo hoo hoo! What’s the use of having a cop on the inside when she can’t make a little joke every now and then?’ Jane gives a full-belly laugh, collapsing on the sofa. “I really got you, didn’t I, Kanaya?”

Terezi throws her other shoe at Jane, missing her by about two feet and sending a picture frame flying off the wall. “That’s such a dick move, Jane!”

You grit your teeth and mentally kick yourself for having fallen for such a stupid joke. “I’d like to tell you to go fuck yourself.” You turn to Vriska, only to see the alarm has melted off her face and she is now laughing too.

“Haha, that’s brilliant, Jane! The funniest part of that is even thinking I could get caught! All the luck, remember?”

Rose pats you on the shoulder. “Just another day in this house, my love.”

And she’s right. You look around the apartment, at the picture frame and the vase lying on the ground, at the Nintendo Switches scattered on the couch, at your shoeless girlfriend berating the prankster cop, at your other girlfriend elbowing said prankster cop in the sides and laughing, and at your wife kissing your shoulder and neck. Someday, Jane’s joke could become real. Someday your spirited, shining girls could be locked away, never to see you again. But for now, the peals of laughter throughout the apartment, the soft, hot breath on your neck, and the mess on the floor reminds you of the love that you share with your girls. And you smile, knowing that you’ll go to sleep tonight with Vriska drooling on a pillow, Rose tucked under your arm, and Terezi’s ass pressed against your back. You know, if you’re certain of anything in the wild, everchanging world you live in, that you wouldn’t trade that for the world.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written in a year or so, so I would like to thank everyone who encouraged me to get back on track. A special shout out goes to my girlfriend, who motivates me every day.


End file.
